Thursday, December 18

What a screwed up day. Screwed up. Totally.

I hate myself...I really do. I'm rubbish at everything. Rubbish at music, rubbish at work, rubbish at cooking, rubbish at studies, rubbish at art, rubbish at computer stuff, rubbish in looks...I'm just rubbish. Everyone has a certain kind of talent somewhere. But I don't. Isn't there supposed to be like some drive for everyone in life? If so, where's mine? I've got no aim, no goal, no motive, no drive. I just drift along. So what's my purpose?

Looking at myself in the mirror, I see an ugly loser. Loser with a capital letter L. I'm a contradiction within myself. I'm always advising people & stuff like that, & I know I sound sensible enough to convince people but I just can't practise what I preach. It's a case of easier said than done. I'm smiley, & eveyone thinks I'm funny & clownish. Everyone tells me that...but I'm just dying bit by bit. I smile, to mask everything else. I couldn't possibly break down & cry all the time. Why? Coz' I'm a bleedin' coward. My cowardice both amazes & revolts me. I can't face the world. Because I know not for sure why I am what I am. Other people have gone through worse ordeals, & yet, they've survived & living each day with renewed hope. But I'm just there smiling, like a ticking bomb. While my insides are being gnawed on.

& I absolutely despise people who wallow in self-pity. But me...I wallow in both self-pity & sorrow. I despise myself. Sam, you're such a disgusting, pathetic loser. You repulse me. I'm ashamed to be you.

& my sarcasm...I don't know why. I can't help being sarcastic. I'm not doing it on purpose, to hurt anyone. It's as if to protect myself. Being sarcastic somehow makes me feel secure & safe. Why? I have no idea. Maybe coz' I've been lied to so many times before. Taken for rides & stuff like that. I need my security blanket.

I'm just pathetic. Always sorry, always doing things I needn't be doing. I'm sorry your hamster died, I'm sorry your clothes ripped, I'm sorry it's raining. Yada yada. Everything's my fault. Do I have a built-in guilt meter or something? Nothing's my fault! I mean, I do sometimes push the blame on others but ultimately, I'm the sorry one always apologizing. I don't know why.

Scapegoat. I'm the scapegoat as well. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling lost. Literally & literary. I'm always feeling lost...I'm confused as to why I'm walking on this earth. What's my purpose? As a perfect example of a sad excuse of a human being? Is that it? I suppose so.

My morale was zero yesterday. Absolutely zero. I moped all the way home. Tried gorging myself. But Ting tried making me better...I felt a mite better...I mean, she did say a lot of stuff which makes sense. But now, it's almost back down to zero. It's not possible. Not not possible. So why am I still thinking of it? I shouldn't. I ought to slap myself. If I were someone else, I would totally look down on myself. Gorged myself yesterday, & lost all my appetite today. I think I overdosed on coffee. I was regurgitating throughout the entire day. Wouldn't want to puke & make a fool out of myself.

Someone once told me I cling on too much to the past, too much to memories which have faded away bit by bit. Slowly ebbing away. & it's not that I can't let go, I am not willing to. I just hold on to them for dear life. & absolutely refuse to let go. & after hearing all those, I realized it's true. He said I'm not helping myself. & that if anyone wants to help, it's not possible when I refuse to be helped. I just want to stay in those shadows. Which is true as well. He promised to be the one to lead me out of my coccon of hurt. & I believed him, was willing to let him help me, allowed him to release me from my misery. & guess what? He turned out to be a lying cheating bastard. Which led me to withdraw even deeper into myself. Thanks a lot.

I don't want to be like what I was before. Thinking back, I'm deeply remorseful for what I used to do to myself. It pained me when I snapped out of my depression & was sane & saw what I was doing, but when rage settled in, nothing else mattered. Except for continuing what I was doing. I don't want to start again. I hate myself for having that bit of temptation. But I'm so numbed. So numbed to everything else. I just need an outlet to vent. Something to vent on. Someone to vent on...& that'd be myself.

Pathetic, Sam. Absolutely pathetic. There you go ranting & raving without thinking(yet again) to something which doesn't understand you. To something which wouldn't care whether you're dead or alive. Bravo. Just bravo.

I dread every single day.

On that note, my brudder is back. At least my gripee is back...I've got someone to whine to now. I'm such a whiny bitch.

The names on the wall
The pain to remember
I am not what I seem
I have to balance
I have to think

Clan of Xymox [Twisted]

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