Monday, February 9

Sunday. 4 days after it all happened.

But the pain is not lessening.

Went to my godfather's place yesterday. So glad to see Weihong there as well. Haven't seen him for so long. Years probably. We just stood in the corridor & chatted for 2 hours. I mean, it's great & all. & he makes so much sense. More sense than I'd ever imagine. But it's so hard.

It's sort of like practising what you preach. Which I never do. It's the same here. You listen, you understand, but you fail to execute.

Honestly, I don't know what's wrong with me. I was never, & I mean NEVER affected like this. Ok, just that once. But never again. It didn't take me even an hour to get over thing like this. I was nonchalent mostly. But not this time. This time, I feel as if I've been stabbed many times over & left there bleeding, left there to die. Now I know what they mean by having a first time for everything.

It hurts so bad. It's physical pain.

I think loads of people are tired of seeing me like this. I am too. I'm tired of being like this. But I can't stop it if everything reminds me of him. Places, songs, just stuff. Ashton. Ase. Jennifer Aniston. The Strokes. Switchfoot. I Wanna Grow Old With You. If Your Heart's Not In It. Soft toys. Gelare. CD-Rama. Hans. Pizza Hut. Paragon. The park. Lot 1. Heeren. HMV. Cine. Far East. Junction 8. They all remind me of him. & it just hurts so bad, I practically have to keel over.

I keep saying I'm fine. Because sometimes, I do feel fine. But then again, 2 secs after that, I'm reduced to my previous state. My heart in tatters.

I wonder how he can do that to me? Reduce a sane person to a babbling, self-hating, life-hating wreck. A wreck which has been stomped over so many times, it has become unrecognizable. I thought I was this cold-blooded creature. But this proves me wrong. I do have feelings after all. They just appear at certain situations. & this is one of the rare times they make known their existence.

But it doesn't matter. Nothing matters anymore.

All that I have had been brutally ripped out & tossed all around. I'm on my hands & knees, picking up the pieces. But then, even if I've gotten them all, there's bound to be something missing. A missing bolt. A little chip off. A tiny missing shard. & things will never be the same again. I'd be incomplete.

I'll have an incomplete picture. & nothing will fill it up.

My world came crashing down overnight. It has been turned topsy turvy. I'm trying to make head or tail of this situation but I can't. The details are still fuzzy. My brain still can't process the reasons right.

Life is now a routine I'll have to struggle through. But given a choice, I would opt out of it.

All I know now is, I've lost interest in everything. There's nothing left for me to do, or to look forward to anymore.

Lost & all alone
I always thought that I could make it on my own
Since you left I hardly make it through the day
My tears get in the way
& I need you back to stay

I wander through the night
& search the world to find
The words to make it right
All I want is just the way it used to be
With you here close to me
I've got to make you see

That I'm lost without your love
Life without you isn't worth the trouble of
I'm as helpless as a ship without a wheel
A touch without a feel
I can't believe it's real

& someday soon I'll wake
& find my heart won't have to break

Yes I'm lost without your love
Life without you isn't worth the trouble of
All I want is just the way it used to be
I need you here with me
Oh darlin' can't you see
If we had love before
We can have it back once more

David Gates [Lost Without Your Love]

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