Wednesday, October 5

I'm afraid to fall asleep.

I'm afraid that the moment I close my eyes to peace & beyond, weird one-eyed monsters/jinxed triangles/shootings/laser guns/bloodshed/pain will haunt me. They'll chase me down the never-ending dark alleys which wind & wind me up as well.

So here I am at 1.30 AM, sleepy but forcing myself to stay awake. Short of tying my hair to the ceiling, I've been trying all sorts of ways (well, things I can do at 1.30 AM) distracting myself from sleep. I've read all the blogs there are. I've squeezed out all the squeeze-able blackheads/whiteheads from my already-populated face. I've bitten my nails to a quick.

But still, I feel the sleep demon luring me away from alertness.

Maybe I'll just hold him at the gate. Just long enough before the barricades come down & it comes a-crashing through, its gigantic green hulk like figure holding a pickaxe, its choice of weapon (which it'll brandish violently at me, & I'll succumb in fear of the pickaxe looping my head off).

I honestly need sleep. I had a bad day today. What with all the nightmares plaguing my rest, I was already pretty near the edge. Then, little problems just have to accumulate & it made me upset enough to call Daryl at 9+ in the morning. I am grateful for having such a wonderful boyfriend, who tried his best to make things better for me. He gave me a huge hug & asked me to not be grumpy. He sat there watching me silently & as I gave in to tears, he wordlessly wiped my eyes, trying not to smudge my mascara. He accompanied me to work. He waited for me to knock off & take a bus to his place so we could spend about 7 minutes together in the cab (him on his way back to camp, me continuing the solo journey home). I appreciate every gesture, every thought. He makes me smile.

I don't know what's become of me. I've never been this weak. I was made of tougher materials. I mean, when I was a lot younger, probably in primary school, I cried at everything. When I got lost, when I thought I was lost at the age of 12 (& my brother, who was about 6 then had to console me & he was the one who borrowed a handphone from a passerby to call home & he told me that he knew the way back home if we couldn't find our parents). But I toughened up when I entered Crescent. I used to be the one who wouldn't cry (well, in secondary school, I only ever shed tears for P). Little things wouldn't make me cry then. I would just shoulder on, & meet them with pots banging & lids clanging. Well, there were other ways I met problems as well, but I've given that up because I almost got my stomach pumped. (But I still didn't break down like how I do now. Even when I was puking up every single morsel of food I took, even when I puked stomach acid. I wouldn't cry. I just watched in pale fascination.)

But no, not now. I just crumble. I guess that's the problem when you know you're being taken care of. You feel all vulnerable & you just want to be a baby. Sigh.

& for some reason, my brother was terribly nice to me today. He was nice to me yesterday, but he was even nicer to be today. I got home from work without dinner (my mom didn't leave dinner for me) & my brother came bouncing up & told me he cooked chicken soup (with button mushrooms & cheese!) for me. Well, to you guys, it's just a can of Campbell. Anyone can do it. But my brother adds his extra touches to it. He butter fries the mushrooms first (which he slices & dices to have extra texture), then he adds the soup, & he adds cheese as well. He apparently started cooking the soup when my mom called to tell me that she didn't leave dinner for me, & when I got home, I came home to hot piping delicious soup. & I must mention that he absolutely LOVES Campbell's soups as well, & he's a glutton. He used to run with his bowl when I wanted to take a few sips from his soup. But yesterday, he allowed me to take however amount of soup I wanted from him, & said that if I was still hungry after the leftover dinner, he would cook the soup for me as well (he didn't coz' I was full by then). Today, he actually cooked for me! & he didn't even steal a sip from it! He just asked me whether it was nice amidst revising for his Secondary 1 final year exams.

So obviously, I was feeling quite abashed. & I told Daryl & he asked whether my brother did something wrong or broke something of mine. But from what I know, he didn't! & Daryl suggests he must have read my blog. -_- But I blogged about my dream about him after he was done being nice to be yesterday. & then, my dear imaginative boyfriend came up with this conclusion. My brother must have a similar dream about me so he's feeling bad about it & trying to make it up to me. Haha. But of coz', I'm an appreciative person & I appreciate my brother being so unnaturally sweet. I'm gonna get him something when I get my pay.

& so, I'm turning 19 on the 18th. That's about 2 weeks from now. Everyone's going on about how they don't want to grow older now. But I do. I want to, so much. I want to get married & have babies. I want their little pudgy fingers to smear porridge on me. I want their little chubby arms to hook around my neck while demanding horsey rides. I want to watch their cherubic faces screw up & turn red from crying for more milk. I want to hold their little fragile bodies, & cradle them to sleep. Sigh.

Stacey's trying for a baby with Shaun. & I'm crossing my fingers for her, coz' from what I read, I know Shaun's taking real good care of her.

I saw a blog of this girl who's 16 & pregnant & her boyfriend is this 16 year old tough talking poseur whom I don't think is ready to be a dad. She's really excited about it all. Like what Stacey says, that girl's probably going through the whole glam-pregnancy phase. But it'll be over soon & I wonder what'll happen to her?

Anyway, I'm not prepared yet. I know I want kids but now's just not the time. All I'm hoping is to fast forward time so that I can.

I'm still schooling. & we're still saving to get married.

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That's our piggy, which we bought for $40 from Happy House & as what Clara said, we had nothing to put in that afterwards.

Here's what we have so far, after 1 year, 2 & a half months.

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Look at those nice shining copper coins. You could almost smell the money.

$310. That's actually 15 times more than what I have in my bank account now.

Another 5 more years & we might actually have enough to get married!

We're probably gonna set up our joint account this Saturday. It's quite a big step for me. Because I've never been committed enough to want to do something like this before. But now, I'm sure of what I want. & he is too.

& Ting, we think long-term! We don't think branded wallets & stuff. Heh. ;) But that's ok coz' you're a tai-tai! Mahjong sessions, facials, & shopping trips in Paris. Ah, the life.

I can hear the barricades being torn apart as I speak. I'm off, hopefully to the land of good dreams.

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