Tuesday, February 7

Yes I did. I almost screw everything up.

I write without thinking. I'm so sorry. I'm always doing stupid things to hurt you. & you're always discovering some revelation that pains you.

I don't know why you stick by me. Although you almost didn't. Just a phone call &, 'I'm done with you, Samantha.' It hurts so much. I was stunned, had no idea what you were talking about. It didn't sink in, of coz'. The words were so foreign to me. But when I finally understood, it felt like I was ran over by a 20-ton truck. & I couldn't even stop myself. The waves hit me & I blubbered pathetically.

But you had enough. You hung up. You didn't pick up the subsequent phone calls I made to your home & your cell. I panicked. I didn't know what I could do. All I could think of was I couldn't possibly continue without you around. Dinner was left half-touched, forgotten.

You finally picked up. Listened to me blubber. & I continued in that direction for ages. You assured me that you said all that in a fit of anger, & that you wouldn't leave me. But I was so scared. I've never heard you angry enough to say all those. How could I go back to dinner when I was so worried that I'll never be able to see you again after we hung up? I couldn't. I just wanted to cling onto the phone line, the thin thin connection between us.

You tried reassuring me but I was still so terrified of everything falling apart, my very own undoing.

So I did what I thought was best. I picked up my bag & left for your place, even if it was halfway through dinner, even if I worried my parents so much, even if it was only for a while.

& the moment I saw you, I was so afraid you'd withdraw yourself from me, be all cold & hostile. But you silently held me while I sobbed in relief. I cried coz' you were willing to see me. I cried coz' you forgave me. I cried coz' you were willing to hold me.

I'm so sorry for hurting you. Like you said, it had happened before & you were shocked & hurt to see it happening again. You've heard it all before but sorry is too late anyway. I don't think you'll trust me if I tell you that it wouldn't happen again. But I do love you, & I couldn't imagine what I'd do if you leave me. Which you nearly did. & it almost killed me.

I'm thankful that you forgave me. & how you were sweet enough to make a few attempts to joke, to lighten the atmosphere, to make me smile again. You kissed away my tears, & you held me as I trembled in your embrace. I'm grateful that you called afterwards & said, 'Today didn't happen ok? I love you.' But I felt so terrible. I was the one who hurt you, yet you were the one who had to reassure me that everything's gonna be alright.

Thanks for everything. Thanks for staying with me. I love you.

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