Friday, October 5

It has been some days now, & the same worry keeps replaying itself in my head like a bad movie.

It's at times when I slow down, take a step back, & observe the people close to me that I realise I'm one of the rare ones left without a direction in life. I don't know what I want to do, what I hope to achieve.

I step into the shoes of a bystander & look at myself. It's almost like I'm observing myself from the outside of a glass dome, watching how this little person scuttles around, doing her everyday chores, going through the daily motions, but she doesn't really have a clue about what she's doing. & I see a trapped person. A trapped person in a rat race, a rat race she's dying to drop out of, but she doesn't dare to because it goes against everything she has ever learnt.

It seems to me that everyone has a talent, a skill, an inborn advantage that gives him or her an edge in life. Whatever this could be. A person with amazing artistic talents - watercolours, portraits, cartoons, sketches. A person with creativity. A person with fabulous writing skills. A person who is multi-lingual. A good cook. A music prodigy. A prodigy. A people person - someone who entertains - the life of every party. A wonderful public speaker. Even a pretty face. That's an advantage.

I seem pretty normal to me. Average in everything I do. I can't draw. I have absolutely no creative cells. Used to think I write well until I entered Mass Comm & realised that I was mighty disillusioned. Am slow at picking up languages. Can't cook. A music idiot - can't play any instrument. USUALLY a people person, but there are times I just want to shut out the world & not let anyone in, which has been happening frequently enough, & there are times I wanna be the entertainer, the story teller, but I just feel belittled. I tremble when I speak in front of an audience. & really, I'm pretty damn normal. I've never been outstanding in a particular area.

& when I see my friends being so clear about what they want, working towards their goals, laying out plans for the oh-so-bright-future, I feel so goddamn scared.

Scared that I'll graduate, & won't get a job I like. & the thing is, I don't even know what job I'd like. So I'm just worried I'd end up like the everyday guy, stuck in a job he hates. Worried about worrying for finances for wedding, housing, children etc, for retirement & for just about everything. Worried about not living up to expectations, & wondering what these expectations are. Worried whether I'll ever be satisfied with what I have, what I will have.

I keep feeling like there could be so much more. That if I could just tap into whatever this thing is, rid myself of my inhibitions, I could do so much more.

But then again, that's what everyone wishes, isn't it? That they're more capable than they actually are. That they can have unbridled joy, lifetime happiness, 100% satisfaction at everything they do & all that jazz. That they end up being so much better off than they'd ever imagined. But I'm just, average.

I'm so goddamn afraid. & yes, it may appear that I'm being unnaturally miserable about turning 21. I'm not miserable. But I'm not particularly excited as well. I'm just trudging alongcreluctantly, perhaps, even with a suppressed feeling of dread. I'm trying to prolong the days before I really hit that 'magical' age, the age where I'm supposed to impress.

Part of me wants to grow up. You turn 21, the world is your oyster. You go out there & just show them what you can do. You stun everyone with your capability.

Or, you turn 21, & you're nothing but a disappointment. You let everyone down. You let yourself down. You stun everyone with your incapability. Either way, you manage to surprise.

I remember those years in secondary school that I couldn't wait to turn 21. That I could go out there, & just do whatever I want. Now, I don't even know what it is that I want to do.

It almost makes me wish that I could have remained 18 forever. Almost.

I'm afraid of being a let-down.

I'm afraid that I'll never achieve anything in life.

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