Monday, September 8

First day of school after 2 weeks. Well, it was...boring. What can I say? We had Mr Choy at first, who decided to cancel this week's tutorial for us to have more time to do our project. Or so he says. I say it's for him to have more time to sleep, that lazy bum. But hey, at least, it was a good suggestion. We were looking forward to LVP, coz' of Mr Millians's promise to do the funny hand gestures thingy, which was made popular *erhem* by Danielle. Heh...but he didn't come today coz' of his wife...he's gonna be a father again. Lol...oh well, we were rather disappointed as we had to listen to that boring relacement. But it was all good. I got to see my darlings! Haven't seen them for ages! AGES!!! Lol...ok, so I'm exaggerated. Sue me then.

Anyway, I was bored & then I started thinking of him, like I always do when I have nothing to do. & I wrote a poem again. & his name was all over my notebook. I think I need to see a shrink fast. Badly. But this poem ain't as good as the previous one I wrote about a month ago. It wasn't like good, but just better than this one. Ok, of coz' I'll post the better one aye?

Memories of the past haunting me
Surrounding, cornering, refusing to set me free
The smiles, but more so, the endless tears
The uncertainty, my darkest fears

So much time spent together
Lost to me, lost to us forever
A moment of hope, the little glimmer of it
You smashed it, & restored it again, whenever you deemed fit

Clueless what you were playing at
Naive, thinking I was blessed we met
But why did you dangle that bit of hope
& when it was gone, I just couldn't cope

Fell into an abyss of depression & darkness
Time has passed, weeks, months, years...

Alright, & I couldn't continue coz' the moment of inspiration was gone. Lecture ended before I could finish it & now, I just can't bring myself to finish it properly. Darn. I wonder what will happen if he 'stumbles' across this website & read about this demented girl writing about him in this way. Ok, he won't coz' I won't be like giving him this blog site & all, & hopefully, no one else does. But another part of me hopes for him to read all these, just like in my dreams, I keep bumping into him, because a part of me longs to see him, but another part doesn't. I guess I'm just weird. Like plain weird. Sometimes, I think back. I really have a lot of questions left unanswered. & when I pursued 2 years back, he was vague & didn't give me clear answers. Too much time has passed, & the memories of what happened have probably become a blur to him. There's no use of me asking them now, persisiting still, because the answers would be even more vague than before. If there are answers in the first place. So I'm left wondering, grasping at little gestures, words spoken casually years back, just grasping at anything at all, for that bit of clue. But I'm still coming up with blanks. A void where there should be completeness.

Time will pass me by
Maybe I'll never learn to smile
But I know I'll make it through
If you wait for me
& all the tears I cry
No matter now I try
They'll never bring you home to me
So won't you wait for me
In heaven

Kavana [Will You Wait For Me]

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