Tuesday, September 9

Ok, so the irratonal side of me decided to send him a card too. I slipped in a really casual note, asking him to give me a message when he gets it, so I would know I've sent it to the correct address & such. I did that because after I sent him that freaky birthday card, I never heard from him again. & I did state that I would not bother him again in that previous card. So it's gonna be such a surprise to him. I couldn't help myself. He's having his As this year after all. I do wish him well for it...hence, my actions. & this card. I don't want him to freak out when he gets this card, when I'm sure he freaked out when he received that birthday card. So I decided to sound casual...like joking tone & all...but I think it was pretty obvious the way I wrote. I didn't stop to think. Come to think about it, what if he has a girlfriend & he shows the card to her & all? What if he thinks it's funny someone's so pathetic & shows it to everyone? What if he doesn't even bother to open it? What if he thinks I'm some psycho & doesn't dare to message me back? At all? Ok, so I may be some psycho but what if he knows it? Ok, I'm scaring myself. I so want to hear from him again. Be what we were before. But it's damn impossible. Nightmares nightmares. Visions of him telling me all those stuff over & over. Again & again. Echoing in my head. The time I leant against the wall in school & wept so badly in the corridor of Crescent & freaked everybody out. The time when I was sitting next to him in the theatre crying while everybody else was happily watching MI:2. The period of time when all I did was cry. The time when I carved his name on my arm & freaked him out. The time when I refused to talk to him at Sebastian's millenium Christmas party. The time when we bumped into him at Heeren in 2002 during Christmas once again & he sat down & asked me 'How's life?' & I freaked & ran to the loo. All those & more. Nightmares nightmares. Can't find a song to suit my mood/emotions now. Never mind that.

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