Wednesday, October 22

Went Al-Ameen with Ayu, Elle, Farhan, Tiara & Samantha was quite funny...the Milo Godzilla & T-rex thingy...spastic as usual...was feeling lezzy yesterday so I went around trying to kiss the girls but only Samantha allowed me to. Farhan triggered my lezzy feeling with him kissing a guy, so don't blame me!

Anyway, had our final project today. It was ok, except I was looking as if someone killed my dog or something. Ok wait, I don't like dogs. Whatever. You get what I mean. Trina was signalling me to smile but I couldn't. Knew the smile would make me look constipated so I didn't. Cordelia is sure gonna start on my 'being peeved' & all. Again. Aarrgghh! Whatever. I mean, when I'm happy, I can't stop grinning & everyone would be suspicious like, 'Ookay, that grin doesn't sem very reassuring. Like, what are you up to?' But when I'm down, I'm way way down.

Had our last volleyball training. Felt like crap. Haven't been able to wear my contacts because of my busted blood vessel, & I couldn't possibly wear glasses for training & risk getting shattered glass in my eyes or something. So I felt half blinded. Everything was kinda blur. & I felt so lethargic, I didn't feel like running around, or even moving for that matter. I felt horrible. Just plain horrible. & Jonathan was asking if I was sick. Did I look sick? I don't know...I was just kinda silent. But we still won 3 games out of 3 games. Thanks to coach who decided to join our team.

Thinking prizes for guessing what, or who for that matter. I try, I try my darn hardest not to. I tell myself, it's over. It didn't even begin. So why? I tell myself, he's such a bastard, don't think about it anymore. I tell myself, it'll never happen. I tell myself to move on. I do move on...but my soul, my mind, they're all left behind. They're all stranded in year 2000. The year which brought me much joy, & later on, pain. Now, it's permanent. The scar is like branded onto me. I can't rid myself of it. I try, damn if I don't. I try. Ting said I'm making myself miserable. But I don't even have to. I've been miserable since it all happened. Time heals all wounds. I hope it does. It sure is taking its own time. This year is the 5th year. & my wounds are still fresh & open. When I read my diary, it all comes back. When I go through my file & find the card, it all comes back. When I look at the shattered pendant on the lone necklace, it all comes back. When I stumble upon the glass ornament, it all comes back. When I see anything which even remotely reminds me of that fateful year, it all comes back. I try to shut my brain, but to no avail. Sometimes, I'm amused. I'm rather amused that someone, someone whom everyone tells me is not worth my crying over, can actually make my life the utmost miserable without even trying. Can make me so gibberish, so vulnerable, when truth is, I'm usually not like that. He's the exception. My thoughts become incoherent when it comes to him. I feel empty, as if there is absolutely nothing left in me. Zilch. Nothing. Just a hollow, a hole where something used to be. I feel incomplete, as if a jigsaw puzzle missing a piece. & when that does happen, the puzzle would not ever be completed. Just like me. I doubt he's the missing piece, but I know for sure that something of his, or from the past is. When I find that missing piece, I will be complete. Because right now, the someone who looks like him is affecting me too much. Too darn much, thanks to the similarities. So I'm gonna go bury myself under that pile of blankets, wallow in self-pity, & forget the world. Forget myself for the moment.

I try to forget the weakness I see in me
I try to forget the weakness we see
I swore to myself I would never be swayed
Now I live this nightmare that I've made
How could I have fallen? Turn it off. Release me.
Hear my cries. Forgive me.

Stretch Arm Strong [Try To Forget]

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