Saturday, January 31

Christ. Things really happen don't they? Especially when they're the weirdest things.

I found PeiYun on Friendster. PeiYun, my ex-classmate in primary school, my close friend. We used to hang out at her house regularly...& then she migrated to New Zealand. We lost contact on ICQ after my comp crashed. I never thought of finding her on Friendster. But weird things happen. & I found her under horrible circumstances. I hate it when things like that happen. I'm feeling so fucked up now. Nothing's my fault. But it feels horrible.

I don't even know that girl for god's sake. She's just Ting's friend. But why oh why does it have to be PeiYun, one of my besties back in primary school? Why her? It seems so different. Everything's so different now. The years just flew by. When we parted, we were still innocent 13 year olds. Never thought things would come to this. But I'm only hearing one side of the story. I don't know about PeiYun's side. & honestly, I don't want to know. I fear the truth. That she has really changed, changed into someone unrecognizable. Gawd. Why do I feel so guilty? I'm not gonna ask her about anything. I wouldn't even mention it. I'll try to push everything to the back of my mind. I'll try my darn hardest to not look at her differently. Just give her the benefit of doubt.

I don't know why I have to feel so bad about this entire thing. I didn't even need to know it was the PeiYun I know. It was just this sinking suspicion in me. How many PeiYuns are there in NZ? But chances are, well, it's really the one I know. The one who was ever so close to me. Why do I feel this guilty?

Maybe because that girl is really in a bad state. Terrible state. & I guess I know how she feels. Partly. & that it hurts her. & the pain is evident for all to see. But so? I don't even know her for crying out loud! But I just do. I feel really weird. It's as if I'm the one who's done all the stuff. Maybe it's just this goddamn association with the both of them which makes me feel horrendously horrible. Fuck. I wish I didn't know. Ignorance is bliss. Come on. Wipe out this mess. I don't want to know.

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