Thursday, February 5

I know. I said I wouldn't blog but here I am again after 6 hours. I slept at 3.30 & woke up at 6.30, & everything came flooding back & I just couldn't stop myself from starting again. I didn't know what to do so I lied in bed, & then decided to come on here to blog. Blog blog blog. Blog away everything.

Thanks for whoever accompanied me yesterday. Sammie especially, who was with me throughout all 7 hours. & my sis, who made an effort to cheer me up. Ting, I appreciate all you're doing. Thank you for trying to slap me out of this. & Yix, I know what you mean. I'll try. Ben, thanks kor. What you said helped. & even Jonathan. Thanks for offering despite what happened last time. & everyone who tried to cheering me up & snapping me out of this hell.

Without all you guys, I'd probably be dead by now.

I know I'm melodramatic. But I can't help it.

Can't even keep to the vow to live by. Never shed tears for anyone again. Bullshit. Apparently, you can't control what you feel, dammit.

This whole thing is so ironical, I could probably write a book on it & present it as some Literature piece.

The one other time when I got so affected by things like this was long ago. Was about 4 years ago. Because of him. The him which I can never forget. The him who is partly responsible for moulding me to what I am today. Other than him, I've never been like this before. So why start now?

I look down on you, Sam. Now, everyone's going to look at you with sympathy. It sucks that way. Please don't. I don't want sympathy. Let me do whatever I do now, & don't look at me with sympathy. I don't need sympathy. That's the last thing I need. I'm wallowing in self-pity myself. I don't need any more sympathy from the outside world.

Even though I may very well be the most pathetic snivelling creature on earth right now. Wallowing knee-deep in self-pity.

It's amazing what a person can do to another. I never knew the power of Man. Single-handedly reduced me to shambles. Amazing. Never under estimate the power we yield.

But I guess I'm just feeling the aftermath of it all. I need time. Loads & loads of time. Days, weeks, months, years. I just need loads of time. Coz' I've really taken down my defenses. & now they're in shreds. I can't put them back up again coz' I lack the energy and determination to do so. & without my defenses, I feel goddamn vulnerable. I'll need hell lot of a time to put my defenses back up. & this time, I won't ever take them down again. They can stay up for as long as I live. It doesn't help to take them down. They stay up. Let them brand me as heartless again. I'd rather be heartless than be what I am now. Pathetic.

Why am I lifted so high, only to be let down? Let down so terribly that I'm at a loss now.

Can't believe everything's over just 2 days after our 1st month. It's so sudden. Like everything seemed fine, but the next day. Boom. Everything comes down.

I feel so lousy. I've done all that I can to sustain this. & yet, I still wasn't good enough I suppose. I couldn't match up to his previous girlfriends perhaps? I don't know. I just suck at things like this.

Why does everyone has faith in me when I don't myself?

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