Friday, July 9

I miss my old class so much it's like a constant ache. I miss Trina's facial expressions, quotes & just about everything about her because she always always cracks me up. I miss being able to rave about Jason Mraz to Ayu. I miss Darrelle shouting 'You're killing trees!'. I miss Floyd's daily company home where we would go get cheese fries & then muse over the strangest things. I miss acting lezzy with Elle. I miss Skye(Wait a minute, we're in the same class! Lol...). & I miss Tiara the greatest of all. I miss all the crazy laughter during lectures & tutorials. Us plotting diabolical plans. & the only bright spot in the whole grayed day today was meeting her. I can't believe I miss her so freaking much! She hasn't changed a bit & of coz', after 6 months, we would expect like a lull in conversation but no. The moment we met her, everything just falls nicely into place. She belongs here! Damn it, why can't she stay with us? She's like the one of the rare few who's on the same frequency as I do, & someone I really really click with & I love & miss her. I'm gonna be so miserable when she's gonna go back to Auckland(but nothing compared to how she'll feel so I'm gonna try to spend time with my darling before she goes back).

Skye, YiYing, Ayu, Trina & I went to Heeren to meet Tiara, & we went to Subway to chat while Trina gobbled down an entire foot-long sandwich to my greatest surprise. After that we went to Pastamania & Skye, Ayu & me ate pasta & I completed my first card which is great of coz'. Elle came, shortly followed by Shaun, & then Floyd & Darrelle. We headed to BK then & the rest ate. I so so miss Tiara. She was amusing everyone with her misadventures in New Zealand & how the people there think that Singapore is like a really ulu country with no buildings & technology or what not. It's hilarious, really.

We walked around a bit, had ice-cream & headed home because some of us were really tired & we have classes tomorrow.

Didn't get to spend much time with her but it was so great to see Tiara again after 6 whole months! The feeling is indescribable. Although I didn't look too happy, I was. As in, I was really happy that she's back but yeah, wasn't too happy with how the day went before meeting her.

First, I lost my advertising book. It's the 2nd week of school & I lost it & it's gonna cost 42 bucks if I buy it again so no, I'm not going to. It's so freaking screwed.

Secondly, my Sat schedule got screwed up because Dennis changed Sunday's interview to Sat's noon & I already made plans with Vidz & the rest so I have to find a way to shuttle between 2. Can't cancel on Vidz because we're celebrating Tiffy's & wifey's birthdays. So ok, fine, I decided to go ahead & try to figure out a way so I tried to borrow the MD player tomorrow & they said I have to come on Sat morning to borrow that godforsaken thing. So I have to go back to school on Sat. How screwed up?


So there you have it, my screwed up day. & oh, my Charles & Keith sandals broke yesterday. & I have to go & get a new pair tomorrow. Fucking shit.

Damn damn damn. I miss my old class so much it really hurts. I miss doing Bauhaus with Trina, Floyd, Darrelle & Tiara. I would even gladly let Jerome Lo play that stupid prank on me again & again if only I can have them back. The current class I'm in is ok, a handful of people I really do like but my previous class is just sooo...we just get along so well, it's as if we have known each other for years & we can practically read each other's mind. I know there's nothing I can do about it. So I'm just sitting here & sulking even though I know it wouldn't change anything.

I've been feeling really grouchy but I go to school still bright & cheery of coz', although what I really feel like doing is to lash out at everybody. I feel so suffocated. & I have absolutely lost the will to fight for what I want. I'm taking a sitback&watch approach & it stinks but I just have no energy or any drive to fight for what I really want, what I believe in. Because it just doesn't matter anymore. Nothing does.

I've got no life now. It's so centered around school & tuition. This job is draining me of whatever I have & I just can't continue anymore. But it'll be really very irresponsible of me to just leave the kids like that. So I'll just grit my teeth & go on, even though my brain whirls badly after I give them tuition. I'll slog it out for this year, but I need to stop by next semester.

& past mistakes have finally caught up & now, it's the aftermath I suppose? I feel so pressurized, so imposed as I once again have to put him off. I'm tied up, & all other excuses come spewing out but none of them seem to help me solve the problem permanently. I need to give a direct & firm answer, but I can't. I don't want to lose him as a friend again. But if I go out & have a 'drink', that 'drink' will probably be like some aphrodisiac to him & I'll probably be so in trouble. I guess I'm suppose to fix this myself & try to find a good solution. I need to polish up my lingua franca.

Yepz, I need to go un-depress myself. I need to know what I want to be, which direction I want to go towards because I don't seem to excel in anything. A jack of all trades & a master of none is not gonna get me anywhere.

Although I'm a bloody good counselor, if I do say so myself. SamToh can testify eh? Dennis would be proud of me for being his successor. I never thought I'd be saying those things I told Sam Toh, but I suppose I've wisen up. I've wisen up & I've learnt to let go of things, but I think that resulted in my losing the will to fight. It's such a tragedy.

I'm tired. So very tired of being in this rat race. I'm so very tired of being stuck in limbo. I need release.

No one really cares. They pretend they do, but they don't. I need release.

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