Monday, March 7

I felt like my world crumbled when I said, 'You know I love you' & you replied, 'Now I'm not sure.'

I was stunned. I couldn't speak for a full 5 minutes. I broke down totally. You're right. If I was standing, I would have gone down. All I could do was clutch a corner of your sleeve & sob, 'I can't believe you just said that. I can't believe it.'

It's reassuring knowing that you didn't mean it. & it's reassuring knowing that you felt like you were lying to yourself. Because I would have killed myself.

I don't want you to 'take care of me till the time comes'. Nothing is coming.

It hurts so much. I feel like such a horrid person.

Why do you have to be so sweet? Why do you have to be such a wonderful person? Why did you have to say that you feel like you're the 2nd choice but you're not complaining? Why did you have to say that it's ok if I'm like this, you knew it along & this just makes you know me more? Why did you have to say that you don't mind taking care of me until the time comes, until the day you have to let go? Why do you have to be so terribly sweet about everything? You just make me feel so guilty for hurting you, even if it's not intentionally. Your pained face, your resigned voice, your downcast eyes. It just makes me ache so bad. All I wanted to do was take you in my arms & soothe you but you maintained a distance.

I don't know why you're the one reassuring me when I should be the one doing that.

I'm not going anywhere. I'm staying with you, whether you like it or not. My first choice, I love you.

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