Tuesday, January 3

I have been such an angry person.

All that angst coursing through me.

I wasn't angry. I was happy happy this morning. Then it all ended in cold anger.

Woe is me. Now I feel so violent.

I feel like yelling. Crying. Tearing out my hair. Throwing something against the wall. Spitting bitterly. Stamping my feet. Punching the wall. Smashing something (preferably fragile) on the floor. Cutting. Slash slash slash. I feel like screaming out loud & forgetting about everything. Forgetting about school, work, family, friends, life. Just forgetting. Just throw out everything I remember, everything I'm committed to, just throw them all out of the window & watch in cruel glee as they all shatter into unrecoverable pieces.

That must explain all my disconnected thoughts lately. I keep telling myself, hey, I need to do this! I need to call this person! I need to check on this! They're all important tasks! & then a little ant runs across my table & I get distracted & go, 'Hey! ANT!' & I forget everything I'm supposed to do until a few days later, which by that time, is already considered late & I have to rush rush rush like a bee on caffeine.

So I am angry, flustered, irritated & helpless. SO MANY FEELINGS! I'm confused as well! ARGH!

& it isn't even something huge that triggered this anger. It's something so small, so ridiculous, so childish, so stupid & yet, here I am, feeling mighty angry still at what happened.

*cracks smashes breaks shatters slashes* I am as mad as an angry King Kong. That means, REALLY ANGRY.

& I realised I have broken my New Year Resolution just 2 days into 2006. I'm supposed to work on my short fuse! Now, I'm REALLY mad.

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