Saturday, January 7

I went through another rage of mine. & it's not like violent rage now. It's a helpless rage.

I keep doing this. Like when things are not going my way, I get really upset, I scrunch up my brows, & then I feel my nose aching & my eyes watering & next thing I know, I'm crying like hell.

& it always happens when I need it the most. Why are things not going my way when I need all the little time left to spend with Daryl before he leaves for New Zealand for 18 days? He'll be there, in a field camp. No prepaid cards. That means, no proper phone calls. Probably a minute a day. You know how screwed up that is?

& then I have a shoot over the weekend, the weekend before he leaves. So I'll probably be spending a few hours with him before I need to go home.

I thought I could spend the entire Monday with him before he leaves for the airport around late afternoon.

& then I received news that I have a meeting on that morning. I felt horrible. Like something was chewing up inside of me.

I'll feel bad if the entire group has to reschedule because of me. So I felt so helpless. I want to rehearse with them, so that they don't have to all reschedule for me. But at the same time, I want so much to spend more time with Daryl before he disappears for 2 & a half weeks. So I was torn apart, I cried. I felt so helpless.

& now Daryl's calling me a crybaby.

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